I liken my journey to being in a jungle where the fog hangs so low I can barely see two feet in front of me. Looking back I can see the journey marked with my tears. When looking ahead there are glimmers of light. So I continue, each step with more hope than the last. I want to stop and ask "how did I get here, how did I get so lost". There's no time for questions, for there are no safe answers. Deep inside, I know the answers that I seek are blanketed in too much pain. So I continue, the light appears closer now.
It's so gorgeous outside today. Just enough breeze to help tolerate the heat. Sitting here looking out my window at the mountains and listening to the kids play in the pool it's so serene. Sometimes I take the simple things for granted, but not today. It's weird the difference a year can make in ones life. It's like I am awakening from a dream.
I have spent a lot of time in pain and denial this last year, but it's different now. I am waking up and everything seems a little different but in a good way. I wasn't always sure that I would make it. The pain, well the whole experience was just more than I had ever expected in my life. I didn't know what to do, or how to act. This was a role in life that I never played out in my mind. When you think of love, family, children, husband you always equate it with forever. We are not taught to have a what if plan :).
I am here in spite of the circumstance and I am happy and I carry a smile in my heart. I wanted to write so I could blend him in my life and at the same time let him go. Mission accomplished, it is important to me that I remember us and what we shared, but it's equally as important to me that I do it in a way that is productive. Understanding sometimes will be easier than others, but I don't want our love or his memory to be a sad one. Today was so great because I can look out and enjoy what's around me and think of him and smile.
Progress has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. (~_~)
