It's been almost a year since I have written anything here, there was plenty to write about but life has away of giving you exactly what you need when you need it.
Through my writing, I was able to heal a part of my life, that in many ways had died or so I thought. While my inner man was healing, there was a bigger part of my life that really wasn't moving. I wasn't participating in the part of life that requires action, for someone reason in that area I was paralyzed. I didn't no how to push myself back from the computer screen and move myself into the place of doing. While I was healing (and I was and still am) I was also gripped with fear, fear of having to face the world without him. My writing gave me the courage needed to face the pain, it gave me away to let out the sorrow that was enlarged so deep in my heart. What I didn't know at that time was, hiding behind the pain and sorrow were fear and shame.
August 9, 2009:
I was in Albuquerque New Mexico at my sister's brother in-laws house. I woke up remembering what this day had taken from me. The only man that I had truly given my heart to. The one man who never asked for anyting in return, but gave me all he had. Today was the day I would remember forever, and to be honest I didn't want to. I wanted it all to be a horrible nightmare something that hadn't really happened. I remembering crying, hysterically to be exact. The pain I had worked so hard to deal with or honestly in my mind thought I had dealt with, was there reminding me of what I had lost. I needed the pain to stop, I needed the memory of that night to be gone. So I cried out to God, begging him to please take my life. I was pleading my case to him, wanting him to understand there was no way I could continue this journey, not without my Aaron. (Taking my own life was and has never been an option for me.)
God answers prayers, even when we don't think he's listening :)
I remember looking at the mountains and the sun was coming up behind them, with all of it's beauty and splendor. While I was crying and pleading I heard God's voice as clear as day he said "Daughter his journey was complete yours is not. He died you didn't, you must complete your destiny now". I was so afraid and paralyzed in my own thoughts, "did I really hear God or am I imagining it". Then again I heard "Your job here is not done, there are other's waiting on you". That was the day I woke up from the nightmare that had gripped my life for more than a year, the day I truly began to live again. The journey still continues, there are days I miss Aaron with all my heart, but I am no longer gripped with fear.
"I am aware that at times when remembering my beloved husband, there will be moments of deep sorrow but I am also aware that there will be moments of joy and laughter as the memories of our life together flutter by on wings of Angels" :)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I liken my journey to being in a jungle where the fog hangs so low I can barely see two feet in front of me. Looking back I can see the journey marked with my tears. When looking ahead there are glimmers of light. So I continue, each step with more hope than the last.
I want to stop and ask "how did I get here, how did I get so lost". There's no time for questions, for there are no safe answers. Deep inside, I know the answers that I seek are blanketed in too much pain. So I continue, the light appears closer now.