Thursday, April 30, 2009

When writing about denial today, I must have made a break through because today was the first day that i was able to see my husband's face again. I could see him smiling that reassuring smile he would give, when letting me know everything would be ok. Yes , I cried but there was something different this time. It was more of a release, a letting go. I have been holding on so tight, so afraid to feel the true feeling of what losing him really meant to me. God it really hurts, but I know this is what I need. No more hiding! ( Jeez. I said I wasn't going to cry anymore. Didn't realize that it was going to be an intrical part of letting go):)

It was so nice to see his warm and beautiful smile. It was like I could feel him holding me. But at the same time he was letting me know that it was time to move on.

By letting go of the denial, guilt and shame, I believe I set free the part of me
that was so entangled with him and his death. We literally became one.

I'm sure there will be more moments but none quite like this. The feeling was so overwhelming, I had to write about it. I believe that as I look back at this time, it will be a significant moment in my healing process.

The five stages of my grief: Stage 1

I am a little afraid of this one because in away i'm still dealing with it. But I went through some very obvious signs of denial. When I look back it makes me want to go and thank the people who had to watch. I am sure it was and is painful for the people who love me to see me in so much pain. Not to long ago I reached out to family thinking that it would automaticaly cure me if I just said out loud to someone other than myself "He's Gone and never coming back". Instead of the outcome I wanted or thought would happen, I spun even more out of control. Even now writing those words causes so much hurt and pain. I feel it welling up in my heart. I want to fight back the tears, but I want to heal so I am letting them flow. No more denial he really is gone and it's time for me to start accepting that.

One day, we were planning a trip to see his family and a party for his birthday and the next day it was all over. My best friend and husband was gone. No warning, no time to deal with the what if. My friend was no longer here on this earth and everyone around {doing the best they could with what they new) just seem to be okay. Well I couldn't believe it and didn't. Things were happening around me, funeral plans, people in my house cooking cleaning. People were talking to me, I was making decisions or at least it seemed. Now that I look back, it was like watching a movie and soon it would be over and things would be back to normal. I remember my sister had come from Las Vegas to in her own way to be supportive. I appreciate her coming, but I had no way to communicate to her what I really needed. I took her to get a hair cut at a friends beauty salon, and my friend as everyone did gave her condolences and I thanked her. About 2 months later I saw her again at our pastors house. We were chatting about how I was doing of course I said great considering. It was then that she reminded me of our conversation that day at the beauty shop. She said " girl you were acting like he was on vacation or something and he was coming back." At that time it didn't mean much, but now that I think about it that's exactly how it was.

I remember the day of his funeral I didn't want to sit down, so I stood at the front door of the church and shook hands and thanked people for coming. I did this until my pastor made me sit down. I was very angry at him because I didn't want to sit on the front pew and cry in front of all those people. I was embarassed, my husband was gone and now I had to share it with everyone. I didn't want to nor did I know how. There's no manual for this.

Sadly this wasn't the worst moment for me. After everyone had gone I decided that I didn't want a life that didn't include him. I was leaving, everyone and anything that remotely reminded me of us. So I got in my car and began to drive. I wasn't suicidal in the sense that I wanted to die physically, but I was emotionally. At the time of course I didn't know that. I drove around for about 2 or 3 weeks, not knowing really what to do, just lost. I found myself asking this question daily "Bay where you at". It just had not sunk in.

I'm not sure what eventually brought me back. The next step was to just stay busy or distracted. I really had not yet cried for him. Yes there were moments, but I wasn't crying because i accepted he was gone I was just crying. The next few months were pretty busy helping others, but because I wasn't coping, I was just existing. There would be pockets of deep deep sadness and uncontrollable mood swings and depression. I latched on to my spiritual walk with God. But even that was only half real because I never truely let God heal me. He couldn't because I had not acknowledged that there was a problem.
Because I was in such denial, when the last pocket of sadness emerged it wss just to much for me to take. I crashed. I didn't know what to do or say. I was so alone and lonely even though there were people all around. I finally began to cry and cry amd cry. I realized that this denial cost me so much, my business, friendships and my identity. I refuse to let it destroy anythng else.
I am fighting my way back, I realize I have a unigue opportunity to be even better than I was.
Today I am free to choose my own path in my own time!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I am doing better since, my last post. I feel my motiviation coming back. I have to admit working my way back is not easy. Last night i had a dream and someone had asked me where have you been and are you here to stay. I found myself crying and said, "yes I am, but I just learned to say the word dead and then I began to cry". It was so real, the dream. When I awoke, I realized that continuing to write is the only way I am really going to heal. Yes the pain is still so real for me even when I am sleeping.

What I am realizing is i need to stop focusing on what I lossed and begin to appreciate what I still have. It in no way will minimize my love for Aaron, but will give me the opportunity to focus on something else. While at the same time remembering the incredible love that we shared.

I don't know why God allowed me to know such a great love for such a small amount of time, but he did. God must have thought me a well deserving woman because what we had was truely a gift from God.

I am going to list all of the amazing lessons I learned from allowing love in my life. Not just loving someone else because that part was easy for me. I was one of those selfish people who could give others the clothes off my back, but never really learned how to recieve. I could embrace but couldn't be embraced, my sisters use to make fun of me when it came to family hugs. They new when it came to me I was going to push them off or say " okay that's enough". What I didn't realize was that I was locked in a prison that allowed no one in. My saving grace is I always had a foundation in God, so even though I didn't know, God knew, he saw the void. Oddly enough I didn't realize there was a void until it was filled.


I learned that how can you really be a true lover of life if you never learn how to let someone embrace you
I learned that unless you open your heart to let someone else in you are only experiencing half of the promise of love
I learned that you really can see the reflection of your heart in the eyes of the one that loves
I learned that to truely give ones self to love is to truely be loved
I learned that love is not a far away city in Paris
I learned that love really is the smile of a child
I learned that experiencing the magnitude of love that encompasses all things includes pain and growing through it
I learned that love and life are not perfect but having someone to share it with is
I learned to accept myself for who i am and not what I could do for someone else
I learned that having someone who believes in you gives you wings to fly
I learned that for the right person I can cook every night with a smile
I learned that i don't have to be perfect just me, which is pretty terrific
I learned most of all that God saw my need even before I new i had one. Filled it with his promise of two shall become one and allowed us time to experience his (God's )loving embrace

Today I am grateful for my husband and the impact he has had on my life. Thank you Bay(Aaron) for loving me no matter what. :0)

Friday, April 24, 2009


Writing to my husband is part of a journey that I decided to take. Nothing else is working. I read that a letter to the one you lost could be a step in the right direction for healing. I want to be well again. The deep gashes of hurt are really unexplainable. Most importantly i guess, is the one person that might/ would understand what it is that i'm going through and need is gone. I pray that when i am done blogging, if that's what you want to call this, I have found some sort of closure and at the same time a new beginning. it's only been a few months since my best friend /husband left this world for a better one. I have read that the time line for healing is different for everyone. I am ready for my healing to begin the alternative is to ugly and to lonely. I want to live again and some how take my memories of the best love I have ever known with me.

Can I? Will I? Live again after the loss, is there life after this kind of pain?

Good bye and Hello

I need to tell you how much you are missed. My life has not been the same since you left me. I often wonder why you that night and not me. I want so very badly for us to get a do over. What we had/have is so very special, it makes me afraid to want any thing else for fear of failure or maybe that's not a good word to describe exactly what it is that I feel.
What I need to tell you is that I never ever let any one love me before. I always kept a wall up, for fear of being hurt. Then you, the last person I ever expected came and despite all of my resistance you kicked down every wall I had put up. The harder i fought to keep you out the more you loved me. I couldn't believe it someone actually loved me and cared about what happened to me. Not because I had something to give you, nope you just loved me because you wanted to. I began to trust that love and we began to grow in ways neither of us had expected.
We became best friends, no judging just loving. Our world began to grow, we shared, supported each other. You used to say we were twins, two halfs that made a whole. I miss our sunday rides on the bike, i miss how you enjoyed food. (LOL) I miss your big arms around me and that beautiful smile of yours. I love you so much and miss you so much. I wish you were still here but your not and i have been struggling with the fact that i am.
I have moved from our home, it's to hard to be there knowing your not. I don't keep in touch with any of our old friends. Your childhood friends were not who you said they were. In fact all but one were very hurtful, your death took everybody by such a surprise no one were themselves not even me i'm sure. I'm not angry, maybe i'll always be a little hurt and disappointed. I have heard that time heals all wounds. You never cared about what other people thought or said, I shoud have taken a page out of your book.

I need to find away to say goodbye to you but not the love that we shared. I don't want to ever forget that together we learned how to love and forgive and to live. I never want to let go of all the dreams we had together the baby that we shared and lost. How we prayed each other through what seemed the worst part of our lives. How God put us together at a time when we both were so broken and needed desparetly to believe that life could be better than what we had seen. I thank you for being the man that I needed. Thanks for the cards,letters and flowers. Thanks for eating my food and making me feel like Chef Emeril :0) even though we both new different. Thank you for never giving up on our love and never letting a day go by without expressing how much you loved us and the life we were starting together.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

Well since i began this journey to heal. I have come acroos a lot of interesting facts that are helping me to at least accept i am going through something. It may seem weird but when you are a control freak like me and are used to fixing everything and everybody else. It's not easy to admit that your life has spiraled out of control and you had know idea it was happening. It's like waking up from a bad dream and finding your bed floating in the middle of the ocean and you see nothing for miles on either side. A decision must be made, and you ask yourself how did I get here and is there a way back.

I found this website, i am glad because some of the articles have really been helpful to me. I have been able to identify myself and my symptons. I must admit it's scary because I have to accept that " yes I am grieving my husband really did die". This process is very hard but I am determined to find my way back one swimming stroke at a time.

If you or someone you know has experienced a loss this site is a great resource for help or to help.

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement
I am new to blogging but I realize that I have a voice that must be heard. How many of us sit silently by after losing someone or something that we deemed uniquely special. Whether it be a pet, parent, loved one or best friend.
Society says well there in a better place get on with living. Well what is that? living? who decides what that living should be like? We all know that it should be you, us , me who decides.
I have a question, what happens when the best of who you are or were is entangled in that loss. And you struggle on the inside to get back what every one thinks they see on the outside.
Even still what if that person no longer exist and you are forced to find a new path a new, a new journey beyond the loss.
Who decided that there was one way to grieve and that is to get over and on. Is there a way to do both? Can you find a way to live with the loss without totally losing who you loss?

I love my husband and miss him everyday he was my very best friend, I have lost him in life I don't want to lose him in death too. Thus my journey, our journey for those who are like me living BEYOND THE LOSS