Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I am doing better since, my last post. I feel my motiviation coming back. I have to admit working my way back is not easy. Last night i had a dream and someone had asked me where have you been and are you here to stay. I found myself crying and said, "yes I am, but I just learned to say the word dead and then I began to cry". It was so real, the dream. When I awoke, I realized that continuing to write is the only way I am really going to heal. Yes the pain is still so real for me even when I am sleeping.

What I am realizing is i need to stop focusing on what I lossed and begin to appreciate what I still have. It in no way will minimize my love for Aaron, but will give me the opportunity to focus on something else. While at the same time remembering the incredible love that we shared.

I don't know why God allowed me to know such a great love for such a small amount of time, but he did. God must have thought me a well deserving woman because what we had was truely a gift from God.

I am going to list all of the amazing lessons I learned from allowing love in my life. Not just loving someone else because that part was easy for me. I was one of those selfish people who could give others the clothes off my back, but never really learned how to recieve. I could embrace but couldn't be embraced, my sisters use to make fun of me when it came to family hugs. They new when it came to me I was going to push them off or say " okay that's enough". What I didn't realize was that I was locked in a prison that allowed no one in. My saving grace is I always had a foundation in God, so even though I didn't know, God knew, he saw the void. Oddly enough I didn't realize there was a void until it was filled.


I learned that how can you really be a true lover of life if you never learn how to let someone embrace you
I learned that unless you open your heart to let someone else in you are only experiencing half of the promise of love
I learned that you really can see the reflection of your heart in the eyes of the one that loves
I learned that to truely give ones self to love is to truely be loved
I learned that love is not a far away city in Paris
I learned that love really is the smile of a child
I learned that experiencing the magnitude of love that encompasses all things includes pain and growing through it
I learned that love and life are not perfect but having someone to share it with is
I learned to accept myself for who i am and not what I could do for someone else
I learned that having someone who believes in you gives you wings to fly
I learned that for the right person I can cook every night with a smile
I learned that i don't have to be perfect just me, which is pretty terrific
I learned most of all that God saw my need even before I new i had one. Filled it with his promise of two shall become one and allowed us time to experience his (God's )loving embrace

Today I am grateful for my husband and the impact he has had on my life. Thank you Bay(Aaron) for loving me no matter what. :0)

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