When writing about denial today, I must have made a break through because today was the first day that i was able to see my husband's face again. I could see him smiling that reassuring smile he would give, when letting me know everything would be ok. Yes , I cried but there was something different this time. It was more of a release, a letting go. I have been holding on so tight, so afraid to feel the true feeling of what losing him really meant to me. God it really hurts, but I know this is what I need. No more hiding! ( Jeez. I said I wasn't going to cry anymore. Didn't realize that it was going to be an intrical part of letting go):)
It was so nice to see his warm and beautiful smile. It was like I could feel him holding me. But at the same time he was letting me know that it was time to move on.
By letting go of the denial, guilt and shame, I believe I set free the part of me
that was so entangled with him and his death. We literally became one.
I'm sure there will be more moments but none quite like this. The feeling was so overwhelming, I had to write about it. I believe that as I look back at this time, it will be a significant moment in my healing process.