I liken my journey to being in a jungle where the fog hangs so low I can barely see two feet in front of me. Looking back I can see the journey marked with my tears. When looking ahead there are glimmers of light. So I continue, each step with more hope than the last. I want to stop and ask "how did I get here, how did I get so lost". There's no time for questions, for there are no safe answers. Deep inside, I know the answers that I seek are blanketed in too much pain. So I continue, the light appears closer now.
It's so gorgeous outside today. Just enough breeze to help tolerate the heat. Sitting here looking out my window at the mountains and listening to the kids play in the pool it's so serene. Sometimes I take the simple things for granted, but not today. It's weird the difference a year can make in ones life. It's like I am awakening from a dream.
I have spent a lot of time in pain and denial this last year, but it's different now. I am waking up and everything seems a little different but in a good way. I wasn't always sure that I would make it. The pain, well the whole experience was just more than I had ever expected in my life. I didn't know what to do, or how to act. This was a role in life that I never played out in my mind. When you think of love, family, children, husband you always equate it with forever. We are not taught to have a what if plan :).
I am here in spite of the circumstance and I am happy and I carry a smile in my heart. I wanted to write so I could blend him in my life and at the same time let him go. Mission accomplished, it is important to me that I remember us and what we shared, but it's equally as important to me that I do it in a way that is productive. Understanding sometimes will be easier than others, but I don't want our love or his memory to be a sad one. Today was so great because I can look out and enjoy what's around me and think of him and smile.
Progress has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. (~_~)
"There is nothing to fear except fear itself". <----Note to Self
It's funny to me that I begin this post with that quote. I have spoken about what my husbands loss has meant to me and facing that has been pretty scary. Through all the tears and sadness I've been able to wade through the confusion of him being gone and the why. Truthfully their never is an answer for the why, so you just stop asking. No amount of tears, questions or sadness will ever answer that, well at least for me. On some level, I will always be puzzled why I had the opportunity to experience such a great love and then have it taken away almost as soon as it was given.
I realize now that on some level subconsciously it was easier to stay with the pain of what happened than to deal with what comes next. I had a life at least what we are taught to believe a life is. A man that adored me and all my faults, and believe me I had many. A successful business going on 8 yrs, friends and family. Tons of my clients who had become like family. Several Young people who I mentored on some level. There are two very famous young ladies (you would know if I mentioned their names) and I am responsible for their careers. Several more went on to start their own businesses and many more are continuing to following their dreams of becoming successful in the entertainment industry. I posses the unique ability to encourage and empower young people.
Now I must ask myself, what about me was so attached to him that when he died so much of me went with him. What would make such a strong woman lose so much of herself. Was I lost in the fantasy that so many young girls are taught to believe by society. Find a man that loves you and somehow that will validate you. When I married the love of my life did I somehow trade it for the love I already had in my life. Did I swap, unknowingly myself for a dream that lived somewhere deep in my subconscious mind. A dream that laid dormant and somehow was triggered by a secret desire in me that I didn't know existed.
Facing myself and why I fell apart, the way I did and to the extent I did is a question that I must ask myself. If living beyond the loss is truly what I seek, then this question is one that must be asked. I am not necessarily looking for an answer per say, but I must look inside myself to see what was and still might be broken. Yes, this is scary because I am turning the mirror on myself and am not sure what I will see.
I am recently widowed and trying to find life after him. I consider myself to be strong,confident and very capable. I have to admit I have come across something for the first time in my life that I can't wit my way through. I realize that losing someone you love and learning to accept it has nothing to do with levels of intelligence. It is just acceptance and this is my journey. For it is much easier to say than to apply.
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