This time last year was as perfect as any Mother's day could be. I was married to the love of my life and he loved me as much as I loved him. He was always surprising me with stuff for no reason. He got lots of joy out of surprising me. He would say "there you go with that kiddie grin again" and of course I would burst into laughter and then he would grab, kiss and tickle me. Soon after would come the gift bag or he would pull it out of his back pack (he always road his motorcycle and carried his backpack it was like his man purse). It didn't matter to me, where he pulled it from. I was just happy that he thought of me all the time. Even when I didn't think he was. :0)
I knew there would be gifts, never anything to elaborate but always special. This time he had bought me a digital camcorder, sneakers, and a very pretty dress. What made me cry though was the card. He remembered the baby that we shared and lost. I know people probably say why does that surprise you? Well it did because in my mind it was my loss. I never really shared with him the way I should have, how devastating it was for me. I never shared it with anyone, selfishly I thought it my failure,my loss. When I read that card, I knew I was wrong he had shared every moment with me.
I was away on a business trip about 2 hrs away when it happened, I was in so much pain. I remember thinking it will be OK. That's what I tell myself when something is happening out of my control. I had a history of female problems and so I wasn't sure what was going on. I had gone to the doctor about a week before and we were waiting the results. He would say " I don't need no doctor to tell me your pregnant with my son I know you having my baby :) ". Well I wanted to be sure so I could get the proper prenatal care. This pain wasn't like anything I had ever experienced. I knew I was in real trouble so I asked to be taken to the emergency room but before they could get me there the unthinkable happened. I had lost my first baby and let me tell you I was devastated. I made it home that same night and I cried, he did his best to comfort me but I was inconsolable. I didn't think he cared that much because he has children from a previous relationship. The next morning we got the call from the doctor's office confirming that I was 4wks pregnant. He grabbed me and held me so tight and said " Bay you know this isn't your fault right, look at me". I don't know there was something in his eyes that was reassuring, maybe it was just his affect on me. I later met with my Doc and he said there was nothing I did wrong. I came to terms with it. My husband and I never really spoke about it again. Inside though in my heart I blamed myself. I was a fierce workaholic. I wore very high heeled shoes, never flats being in the entertainment business is all about image and mine was definitely intact. i just pray that my child didn't pay the cost.
The next miscarriage came after my husband's death, and to be honest it was to much to deal with. I remember leaving the emergency room after having the DNC promising myself not to tell a soul what had just happened. I was going to get in my car and leave and this time I wouldn't come back. I drove around most of the day numb, not knowing what to do. I heard God say don't deal with this now it's too much. I heard that voice as clear as day. So not knowing what to do I went to the movies. My phone was ringing off the hook. My pastor, her husband and my friends were all calling. No one had seen or heard from me since Wednesday evening after church. Then the girls that I mentor started calling. When I didn't answer, they started texting " Ms. Nicole, we love you and are worried please call one of us". It was then at that moment I was snapped out of whatever state of mind I was in. I text the girls and my pastor told them where I was and that I was OK.
I told everyone that the doctor said I was not pregnant, it was a lot easier than the truth. I had lost my husband and now our unborn son. It was too much and I was in know shape to handle more condolences.
Since then I have shared with my sisters and a few close friends what happened and how I loss my family. Timing is everything, what I am able to share now would have devastated me to a point of no return back then. God knows us best, he knew there would be a time and place for me to deal with what was happening it just wasn't then.
Today I remember my husband and our unborn children. I love my husband and each of my children as if they had lived. God I thank you for not forgetting me in my time of need.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Opening Up :)
It's early Saturday morning and I wanted to spend some time writing. I don't really blog unless I feel a real urge. I want to express myself with truth and real feelings because, I no longer want to live a lie.
I am healing, the writing is therapeutic. I still have moments but these are more real. Accepting the facts about what is going on in my life has some how made things easier in my mind. I am lonely but not alone because I am now letting people get close to me. Not that I talk about what happened or my husband, it's just now I am open to see and hear about other things. There was a time when I was present physically but that was it. In every way that counted I was no where to be found. For me this is kind of weird to say out loud. All along through this particular journey I was positive for others, all ways had a positive and encouraging word. It was a false strength and I had convinced myself that I was OK and everything was OK. That is probably why when I crashed it was devastating to me. I was in so much denial (and didn't know it) that when the darkness came I wasn't ready. No way to self talk myself out of it. I didn't understand why I couldn't get through this on my own.
I realize now that when things happen to us in life no matter how tragic, there isn't always a pat answer. We have to dig deeper inside of ourselves, into a place that we probably didn't even know existed. To find that part of us that has always been there but never utilized. We will grow to be better than we thought, stronger and wiser. Not always because we want to, but to live beyond the pain, the current circumstance we must.
I can't say how or when the realization will come for the next person. I just know that for me, I was just scared about where I would end up if I didn't find away out of the darkness.
I am healing, the writing is therapeutic. I still have moments but these are more real. Accepting the facts about what is going on in my life has some how made things easier in my mind. I am lonely but not alone because I am now letting people get close to me. Not that I talk about what happened or my husband, it's just now I am open to see and hear about other things. There was a time when I was present physically but that was it. In every way that counted I was no where to be found. For me this is kind of weird to say out loud. All along through this particular journey I was positive for others, all ways had a positive and encouraging word. It was a false strength and I had convinced myself that I was OK and everything was OK. That is probably why when I crashed it was devastating to me. I was in so much denial (and didn't know it) that when the darkness came I wasn't ready. No way to self talk myself out of it. I didn't understand why I couldn't get through this on my own.
I realize now that when things happen to us in life no matter how tragic, there isn't always a pat answer. We have to dig deeper inside of ourselves, into a place that we probably didn't even know existed. To find that part of us that has always been there but never utilized. We will grow to be better than we thought, stronger and wiser. Not always because we want to, but to live beyond the pain, the current circumstance we must.
I can't say how or when the realization will come for the next person. I just know that for me, I was just scared about where I would end up if I didn't find away out of the darkness.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
A note on how to Console
There is something I would like to share to those of you who are in a position to comfort a person who has lost someone. Like I have said before, there isn't a pat answer or a road map but there are a few things you may want to consider.
The loss a person feels is usually relative to the relationship shared between them and the deceased. Don't assume that you understand what that relationship was. This will probably stop you from saying something that will only make the person feel worst. Don't state the obvious, we know there in a better place. It does very little to comfort the person anyway. Allow that person the time and space they need, try not to determine what that is for them. Most of all just be there love them, love is an action word not a feeling. Do things, clean the house, wash clothes make phone calls or just hold them. When you see them crying, try to push back the urge to say something comforting, a hug usually does the trick. :0)
I am no doctor or psychologist, just a woman who went through a really hard time surrounded by people who loved me, but had no idea of how to help.
The loss a person feels is usually relative to the relationship shared between them and the deceased. Don't assume that you understand what that relationship was. This will probably stop you from saying something that will only make the person feel worst. Don't state the obvious, we know there in a better place. It does very little to comfort the person anyway. Allow that person the time and space they need, try not to determine what that is for them. Most of all just be there love them, love is an action word not a feeling. Do things, clean the house, wash clothes make phone calls or just hold them. When you see them crying, try to push back the urge to say something comforting, a hug usually does the trick. :0)
I am no doctor or psychologist, just a woman who went through a really hard time surrounded by people who loved me, but had no idea of how to help.
Stage 2: Sadness, disbelief and embarasment
After the funeral was over and everyone had gone I literally detached. I remember driving up to my house and being afraid to go in the house. So I didn't, I slept in our truck. I remember being so sad and overwhelmed with disbelief. This could not be happening to me. We were just getting our footing, we had just moved into our home and I was pregnant. Two days before his death we had found out that I was having our baby. This wasn't the first time, I had just lost a baby back in january( I lost our baby in november). He was teasing me about being moody and how I was going to have to take it easy this time. We really didn't say to much about it after that, because we were planning our trip to his home town, his mom was coming and we were still unpacking boxes. We had only been in the house about 14days.
There was no real warning, he had been sick but nothing that I /we thought was terminal. One minute he was in my arms telling me how happy he was and how much he love us. The next he was gone and to be honest so was I. The love that I thought never possible had just died right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand, I did it right this time. I wasn't selfish, i didn't hold anything back. I opened up and allowed love to come in. I didn't question it.
I didn't care I wanted my husband and friend back, people around me didn't understand. They hadn't experience what we shared. They (seemingly) were willing to let him go and move on I was not. I got in my car and drove south, it was storming there were hurricane warnings all over and I was driving right into them. I didn't care i wanted to find him. Consciously I knew he was gone but somewhere inside of me there was this belief that maybe. I was so sad and lonley, I wanted, no I needed him to be alive. I wasn't ready yet, I needed more time. If only we had more time.
The weather was so bad that I had to find a room. I was pretty numb, a tear had welled up in my eyes and I forced myself to push them back saying " don't cry it's not that bad just go to sleep" so i did. The next morning I woke up and continued going south, I heard that was where the hurricane would be and I wanted to be right in the middle of it. By the time I had reached the city where the storm was supposed to be according to all the weather stations it had changed it's course to northeast. It was like a dream of sorts, I was deciding things but it didn't really seam like me. I had lunch and turned my car around and went northeast. When I had finally awaken out of this particular daze (there were a few), chasing storms that kept running from me i was back in my city still afraid to go home.
I wasn't ready yet to see friends or family for that matter. I wanted to hide like nothing had happend. I didn't know what to say to people. I definetly didn't want them saying anything to me. Most of all I definetly didn't want to go to church because they all new. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me. My husband was gone and i didn't want to share that with anybody, I guess not even myself.
I didn't know what to do, my life had been turned upside down. Everything I knew and loved had just been snatched away and I mean snatched. I was hurting and there was no one I could express myself to. They all had the same pat answers "he's in a better place", " at least you had him for a while" etc. None of those things were even a bit comforting. I was in a deep dark place and had no Idea of how to get out. There is no pat answer, no road map.
What I am learning is this was my path to take, my journey. Good bad or indifferent it is mine. For me that means I am going to have to be very deliberate with the choices that I make, how and with whom. People can only give you what you allow them to. No one could help me because that's not what I wanted. Now I realize it wasn't what i needed either. The journey of self discovery that I am on now could have only come from this path. Today I am better than I have been in along time. I was forced through adversity to take a long look at my life and where i am headed.
Today my life is about what I choose not what chooses me!
There was no real warning, he had been sick but nothing that I /we thought was terminal. One minute he was in my arms telling me how happy he was and how much he love us. The next he was gone and to be honest so was I. The love that I thought never possible had just died right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand, I did it right this time. I wasn't selfish, i didn't hold anything back. I opened up and allowed love to come in. I didn't question it.
I didn't care I wanted my husband and friend back, people around me didn't understand. They hadn't experience what we shared. They (seemingly) were willing to let him go and move on I was not. I got in my car and drove south, it was storming there were hurricane warnings all over and I was driving right into them. I didn't care i wanted to find him. Consciously I knew he was gone but somewhere inside of me there was this belief that maybe. I was so sad and lonley, I wanted, no I needed him to be alive. I wasn't ready yet, I needed more time. If only we had more time.
The weather was so bad that I had to find a room. I was pretty numb, a tear had welled up in my eyes and I forced myself to push them back saying " don't cry it's not that bad just go to sleep" so i did. The next morning I woke up and continued going south, I heard that was where the hurricane would be and I wanted to be right in the middle of it. By the time I had reached the city where the storm was supposed to be according to all the weather stations it had changed it's course to northeast. It was like a dream of sorts, I was deciding things but it didn't really seam like me. I had lunch and turned my car around and went northeast. When I had finally awaken out of this particular daze (there were a few), chasing storms that kept running from me i was back in my city still afraid to go home.
I wasn't ready yet to see friends or family for that matter. I wanted to hide like nothing had happend. I didn't know what to say to people. I definetly didn't want them saying anything to me. Most of all I definetly didn't want to go to church because they all new. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me. My husband was gone and i didn't want to share that with anybody, I guess not even myself.
I didn't know what to do, my life had been turned upside down. Everything I knew and loved had just been snatched away and I mean snatched. I was hurting and there was no one I could express myself to. They all had the same pat answers "he's in a better place", " at least you had him for a while" etc. None of those things were even a bit comforting. I was in a deep dark place and had no Idea of how to get out. There is no pat answer, no road map.
What I am learning is this was my path to take, my journey. Good bad or indifferent it is mine. For me that means I am going to have to be very deliberate with the choices that I make, how and with whom. People can only give you what you allow them to. No one could help me because that's not what I wanted. Now I realize it wasn't what i needed either. The journey of self discovery that I am on now could have only come from this path. Today I am better than I have been in along time. I was forced through adversity to take a long look at my life and where i am headed.
Today my life is about what I choose not what chooses me!
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