Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Fog and The Light

I liken my journey to being in a jungle where the fog hangs so low I can barely see two feet in front of me. Looking back I can see the journey marked with my tears. When looking ahead there are glimmers of light. So I continue, each step with more hope than the last.
I want to stop and ask "how did I get here, how did I get so lost". There's no time for questions, for there are no safe answers. Deep inside, I know the answers that I seek are blanketed in too much pain. So I continue, the light appears closer now.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

A Window :)

It's so gorgeous outside today. Just enough breeze to help tolerate the heat. Sitting here looking out my window at the mountains and listening to the kids play in the pool it's so serene. Sometimes I take the simple things for granted, but not today. It's weird the difference a year can make in ones life. It's like I am awakening from a dream.

I have spent a lot of time in pain and denial this last year, but it's different now. I am waking up and everything seems a little different but in a good way. I wasn't always sure that I would make it. The pain, well the whole experience was just more than I had ever expected in my life. I didn't know what to do, or how to act. This was a role in life that I never played out in my mind. When you think of love, family, children, husband you always equate it with forever. We are not taught to have a what if plan :).

I am here in spite of the circumstance and I am happy and I carry a smile in my heart. I wanted to write so I could blend him in my life and at the same time let him go. Mission accomplished, it is important to me that I remember us and what we shared, but it's equally as important to me that I do it in a way that is productive. Understanding sometimes will be easier than others, but I don't want our love or his memory to be a sad one. Today was so great because I can look out and enjoy what's around me and think of him and smile.

Progress has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. (~_~)

Friday, July 3, 2009

Never Give Up :)


This last year has been one of outward struggle
but what I am unmasking is an inner strength.
I realize now, what this cliche means,
"What doesn't kill you makes you srtronger".

Refusing to give up has birthed in me a stronger will to live and to live well.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

Facing The Fear

"There is nothing to fear except fear itself". <----Note to Self

It's funny to me that I begin this post with that quote. I have spoken about what my husbands loss has meant to me and facing that has been pretty scary. Through all the tears and sadness I've been able to wade through the confusion of him being gone and the why. Truthfully their never is an answer for the why, so you just stop asking. No amount of tears, questions or sadness will ever answer that, well at least for me. On some level, I will always be puzzled why I had the opportunity to experience such a great love and then have it taken away almost as soon as it was given.

I realize now that on some level subconsciously it was easier to stay with the pain of what happened than to deal with what comes next. I had a life at least what we are taught to believe a life is. A man that adored me and all my faults, and believe me I had many. A successful business going on 8 yrs, friends and family. Tons of my clients who had become like family. Several Young people who I mentored on some level. There are two very famous young ladies (you would know if I mentioned their names) and I am responsible for their careers. Several more went on to start their own businesses and many more are continuing to following their dreams of becoming successful in the entertainment industry. I posses the unique ability to encourage and empower young people.

Now I must ask myself, what about me was so attached to him that when he died so much of me went with him. What would make such a strong woman lose so much of herself. Was I lost in the fantasy that so many young girls are taught to believe by society. Find a man that loves you and somehow that will validate you. When I married the love of my life did I somehow trade it for the love I already had in my life. Did I swap, unknowingly myself for a dream that lived somewhere deep in my subconscious mind. A dream that laid dormant and somehow was triggered by a secret desire in me that I didn't know existed.

Facing myself and why I fell apart, the way I did and to the extent I did is a question that I must ask myself. If living beyond the loss is truly what I seek, then this question is one that must be asked. I am not necessarily looking for an answer per say, but I must look inside myself to see what was and still might be broken. Yes, this is scary because I am turning the mirror on myself and am not sure what I will see.

Now the real journey begins.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Moment of Perfect Clarity

It's amazing, as I look back over my post something keeps jumping out at me. So much in that I have to pay it closer attention. There is something happening and at the same time nothing is happening at all. The purpose is suppose to be two-fold but only one thing is really being conveyed. It's like a maze and I am the lab rat trapped inside. Yes there are moments of growth, moments where healing appears to be taking place. Yet something different happened when I was reading my words last night. I realized that as a part of me healed, the other part of me wasn't really growing. In order for real change to take place both must be present and evolving on a regular basis.

I came to Las Vegas and began working for my sister. I was working full-time at the office and now I work Part_time from home. My ability to be effective is phenomenal so unless someone really looked close you wouldn't notice a difference. But there is a difference and it's big. I am at home most of the time unless the job calls for me to go on site. Which is becoming less and less necessary because there are people that I send if I don't want to go. My face always has a smile, I am a grateful person by nature. The desire for others to be happy is real for me, I luv from the deepest places in my heart. The problem is most of that love is going out an not enough of it is coming back. It's not important that it comes from other's, the key is it has to come from me. The paralyzing affect that my husband's death has had on me has to loose it's hold and that starts today.

Today is the beginning of change for me, I love my Aaron and always will. The beginning of my journey has to be a journey back to myself. To the woman the individual that is capable of amazing things. The desire to be better than I ever was is so strong. This feeling won't be denied and if I continue to write about my pain it will only stunt the growth that I so desire. Don't misunderstand me, I will share stories of our love as they come up. The only difference, they will be more about myself and my growth and less about the pain of loosing a love.

The contribution that my husband made to my life is incredible, my ability to love unconditionally is a direct result of what we shared and still share. The stepping stone to the next layer of my life.

Today I choose forgiveness, happiness, and new beginnings!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A Father's Story

Wow, listening to the news the last couple of days has just been weird. So many celebs dieing. All but Farrah Fawcett had been sick with a sometimes fatal disease. The shock factor is in big affect here. No one can really plans for times like these. As a society we are always devastated by the fact someone has died or passed on. (It doesn't really matter just a play of words really). The bottom line is they are no longer with us. We know that death is coming to us all but we still have not figured out how to cope with it in a healthy way at least most of us haven't.

I felt guilty because my sadness immediately went to thoughts of my husband and how he left this world. In my mind he was much too young (34), not to mention I was not and still am not ready for him to be gone. The fact of the matter is none of that matters because he is gone. No amount of wishing or crying will ever bring him back. What I am doing is sharing his story, our story with you. This is my way of keeping his memory alive. He was a giant to me and everyone who ever knew him. His heart was as big as his smile and there wasn't a thing he wouldn't do for anybody. It didn't matter if he met you five minutes ago, he considered you a friend. My husband never met a Stranger :)
Father's day was last week and to be honest it was just to hard for me to write.

Trying to decide how to start, this is very painful for me. I remember being in my office at work talking to a new client who happened to be a Criminal Attorney. I was sharing with him about the church I attended. He said "I have a client I represent that goes to that church". Of course I asked who being the nosy woman I am at times.:) When he told me the name I nearly fell out of my seat. I was like no way, that's impossible he's such a great guy. He was like yeah he's gonna have to do 5 yrs, my heart broke right there on the spot. Even though I hadn't seen or talked to Aaron in about a year and a half, hearing that news was both shocking and unbelievable. There was no way, college educated, pro-athlete and personal trainer. In my mind I was thinking what could he have possibly done to get in trouble.

When I asked my pastor just to be sure, she said "yes it's true, he goes to this church and he just got sentenced to do time". The odd thing is the month that he went to jail is the very same month I joined the church. So we never actually got to see each other. Pastor Daniels asked me not to say anything to anyone because of his girlfriend (who I also knew) I never got to see her because, well she never came to church after he was locked up. So we never saw each other until the funeral.

When something is meant to be it will. As life would have it when he came home we were put together. Not by a plan of ours, (we hadn't written each other or anything like that. I did send him a Bible through my pastor) circumstances had us helping each other out. He was staying at a half way house and I would give him a ride to and from work every day. It was during this time we got close again. My business was struggling and he was getting back on his feet. The same job as before and the same clients. People loved him and was glad to have him back.

We loved and prayed each other through the rough times. Our love for each other was more than physical it had grown into so much more. Before we ever shared a touched or shared one kiss, our spirits had sored to heights that I never imagined possible. This time there were no barriers and our love had finally landed.

The saddest part about this for me is he loved his children and only got to see them once since he had been home. He tried, I went to CPS for him got records. We wrote letters to the judge. The process to get custody even visitation rights just takes too long, it's not fair. There was nothing he wouldn't do for his two kids. He paid child support plus bought clothes, paid for karate, baseball and dance for his little girl. There was never an argument over money when it came to the needs of his children. We could talk to the kids but the maternal grandparents who had custody would never let him see his kids. One time his son said dad we are going to see the baseball game, Aaron said "good son daddy's gone meet you down there". Sadly the son called back and said "Papa said I can only choose one thing today so we aren't going to make it". I looked in my husband's eyes and saw a man with a broken heart.

I am telling this because it is an important part of who my husband was a s man. His ex threatened that he would never see his kids again and she meant it. The day we told his son about his dad, his first response was "I only got to see my daddy one time". He didn't even cry.
He was only able to share a few hours with his dad in 2yrs. The adults around him who made this crazy choice have to live with the guilt for the rest of their lives.

I want to tell every mother out there no matter what you may think about your kids father, please don't take their dad from them. I am not saying every man is doing what he should. This is not even about the man but the kids. Children need their parents, put aside your differences and give your kids a chance to know both of you.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson: Wings of Angels

I had written a special entry for my husband for father's day, but instead decided to devote the entry to someone else. For me it was important, because I don't want my writing to be about what I lost but more importantly about what I am gaining and learning. I am going to put that entry on hold once again.

June 25, 2009 we a nation/a world lost two Icon's. One a Hollywood starlett, mother daughter and wife(she and Ryan Oneal were in love and lived a journey, I choose to say wife) and friend. And the other a Pop Icon, a father, son, brother and friend. The way in which these two amazing souls left this world are very different. I have devoted an entry to each of them because they have both touched so many lives although in very different ways.

Farrah Fawcett, was and always will be an American beauty. We fell in Love with her as a model and an actress.
Unfortunately she suffered from a disease that we are all to familiar with Cancer. She decided to share her battle with the world, yes it's a battle because you do all you can to beat it. In her words "I do not want to die of this disease. So I say to God, `It is seriously time for a miracle,'" in "Farrah's Story.
We all found out in September 2006 that at 59 she had the all to often fatal disease. We would hear stories of her battle in the media and we would pray for her recovery, for her to be triumphant. Unfortunately on June 25, 2009 Farrah Fawcett lost her battle with cancer. "She was incredibly brave, and she is God's Angel now :)

Michael Jackson, his Iconic career started when he was only 6yrs old and lasted over 4 decades! We loved him, we grew up with him, our parents and grandparents also grew up with him. His contributions to the world will live on forever.

Sadly on June 25,2009 the world learned that Michael Jackson had died from Cardiac arrest. No warning, no time to prepare, his work here was done. And a world is grieving, for many he was their hero! No matter what his struggles in life, this young man broke barriers and caused a nation to change. He taught a generation to dream!

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett thank you so much for all you have done, you both will be terribly missed. You are both free now, no more pain, no more hurt. :)

My question, does it make it any easier knowing that Farrah was sick? Is the pain any less? Is Michael's death harder because we didn't know and does the shock of it all cause even more pain?
People do, whether we like it or not debate this question. "Is it harder to know that someone is dieing or harder if they die unexpectedly"?

Like myself there are some who have experienced both and then there are others who have experienced one but not the other. Regardless, losing a loved one is never easy. I watched my mother and brother struggle with diseases that took their lives. I also lost my husband in the middle of the night with no warning, we had so many plans for the next day. This is not an experience that I am proud of, I would much rather have my family in tact.
Unfortunately you don't get to choose what happens, your only choice is how you deal with what has happened.

The answer for me is simple, losing anyone you love regardless of how, is an equally painful experience.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


The one mistake that I made is thinking that no one understood. This mindset is what sent me spiraling done,one thought at a time. As my pain deepened the more alone I felt. No matter how people said they understood I didn't believe them. I could not imagine anyone else understanding my kind of pain. This is a common thought pattern for those of us going through grief. It is more important than even I can articulate, that this kind of thinking is toxic and just wrong.

So today I am adding someone else's story, a man who experienced the pain of losing his wife unexpectedly and raising his daughter's alone. Please read and comment.

A Fathers Story

In May of 1995, I suddenly lost my first wife and mother of my two daughters, Jody to a very rare illness called a pheochromacytoma. All of this transpired within 24 hours. It felt like a horrible dream.

Robert Frost once said “There is a time for departure, even when there is no certain place to go.” The girls and I had no choice but to take a new direction in our lives. I’m not ashamed to tell you I was terrified. I was always a pretty good father but I needed reinforcements, this was new, scary territory. I tapped into a spiritual strength I never knew I had. I spoke out loud to God whenever I was alone, in the shower, in the car, at night in bed. I asked to be blessed with divine guidance, courage, strength, and to say and do the right things for my girls. I began meditating daily for about 20 minutes, which I still do to this day. I visualized my girls and I doing things together and I saw them thriving. Those were my daily images, only positive outcomes. I found comfort in books like Kubler Ross’s “On Death and Dying,” Hope Edelman’s “Motherless Daughter’s” & Cosby’s “Fatherhood.” I learned first hand what being grateful for life and those we love, truly means.

I worked very hard at balancing what was normal for my girls and not ignoring the death of their Mother. Julia, Lauren and I hugged and cried every day. I made certain that they knew emotionally, that we had one another. If I sensed they were going into a shell, I would try to interact and relate to them by asking them questions about friends, clothes, school etc. I made it a point to do everything as a family. We went grocery shopping together, out for ice cream and had them help make dinner on a regular basis. I wanted them to feel secure and know their Dad wasn’t going anywhere.

I had developed insomnia. Every night for weeks, I would sit on the floor of Jody’s walk in closet, pick out one of her blouses and wrap it around my neck and shoulders. Breathing her in, I’d cry myself to sleep. At first I didn’t tell the girls about it, but something told me to share it all with them. I think it helped the girls feel okay about their own experiences and sharing them with me. After a week home, the school counselor and I agreed that my daughters’ lives should get back to normal. So, Lauren and Julia went back to school. I remember it being a beautiful sunny day. I decided to walk the 200 yards to the bus stop to meet them. I could tell they were upset as they got off the bus, which I’d expected of their first day back. We walked in tense silence, once we entered the safe haven of the house, both girls burst into tears. After a few moments of a much needed emotional release, they shared their day with me.

Amazingly they’d discovered a pair of sisters, one in Lauren’s class and the other in Julia’s who had lost their mother to breast cancer, one week after our loss. I remembered thinking to myself “I need to reach out to Kevin (the father) and just let him know he's not alone.” Immediately, the thought of creating a Support Group for fathers who'd lost their wives entered my mind and was put into action soon thereafter. And thus began my journey toward becoming a Life Coach.

I started looking at everything differently, I turned down a promotion at work promising more money and more travel, and accepted a lower level position to be closer to home and more available to my girls. My self-reflection eventually led me to completely walk away from corporate America to focus on my Life Coach career. As my priorities shifted, I’d become aware of the joy, peace and love that are possible in the simple every day things. My previously conceived notions of what I wanted for my life fell away. I know that when life closes a door another one always opens. It is my deepest desire to help others find the best path to their open door.
Think Magic!
Larry Agresto is happily married and lives in Boston Massachusetts. He has written several e-books including; The Principles of Success, What's Stopping You, The Journey and The 21 Day Breakthrough. Presently, he is writing his most recent e-book entitled “Magical Thinking- A Fathers Story of Love, Hope & Courage.”
Larry Agresto
Life & Success Coach
Peak Performance Coaching


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Home Again

I arrived in Las Vegas in November o8. Originally, I came to help my sister with the business and to keep myself busy. It worked for a while but eventually that which I was running from caught up with me and landed me here. :) Well it's time to go back and face that which I ran from all those months ago.

In August it will be a year since Aaron's death. His things are still hanging in the closet his tools in the garage. Our matching helmets for the motorcycle neatly on the shelf. It was just so hard to put those things in boxes, seemed so final. Even now, just thinking about it gives me a shiver. Family and friends have asked if they could do it for me and my answer is always the same " No don't touch his things". Closure is a word that comes to mind, one that I never wanted to truly face. Which brings me back again to the reason I started writing. "HOW DO I SAY GOODBYE AND KEEP HIM ALIVE IN MY HEART!

Writing has helped me, I know longer cry in the darkness. I have opened up my heart and our story to the world. There is now light where the darkness used to be. I pray that as I pack his things or give them away to the shelter. (which is something he would want) That I'll loose the pain. That the closure will be about letting go everything that hurts, and not about letting go all that we shared that was and is still good.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Now Time

Time has flown by since I first decided to write. I was desperate to be freed from a prison that I had locked myself into unknowingly. I began writing because there seemed to be know other way out. I had cried, I got drunk, I prayed, talked to family and friends and still their was no relief. The burden that I carried in my heart over my husbands loss was so big that it brought me here. A place of freedom, it brought me to myself.

It's funny to me because I valued my outlook on life. I was sure of myself, held my own convictions proudly. In my mind emotionally I had been through just about all life could throw at a person.

I lost my mom to breast cancer. I watched her fight and her will to live for her children and the incredible strength that she showed. But in the end, it wasn't enough. I lost my brother and his wife to aids (they were both IV users). Then together with my sisters and their maternal grandmother we raised their two daughters. Giving them all the love that we knew the best we could.

Then, my father took ill I and relocated to Fla to be closer to him. I loved him very much and for two years while he was in a nursing home (which was 5min from my business) just about every night I would go and see him. I would make one the nursing assistants help me bathe him. Then I would read the book of Isaiah from the Bible for him. That was his favorite thing to do when he was well. One evening when I was with him he was very tired, he never spoke much but this night he looked at me and said i am very tired. My auto-response was, "well daddy just close your eyes and rest". He looked at me again and said baby daddy's tired. A few weeks later he went to the hospital and from there to hospice. I knew it was time, but for some reason he held on and me with him. The nurses and doctors didn't understand, they all said he should have been gone by now. My sisters and I all moved into the hospice, the same day daddy did. He never spent one night alone. I'm not sure what made me do it, but one night I got up and looked into his eyes, held his head in my arms and said daddy it's OK you can go. We are gonna be alright and he looked back at me as if he could see my whole life from conception to that very moment and took his last breath.

Yes, all of these events took me aback, but never for long. I was able come to terms with each of my loved ones death and I helped other family members to do the same. Always emerging wiser because of it. My mother's amazing strength and love, my dad's compassionate heart and his humility allowing me his baby girl to tend to him. My brother's love for his girls and the promise I made to help raise them. These are the things that contributed to my incredible strength.

So when my husband died, I thought that it would be the same thing. I would grieve a little, I would learn and then get on with the rest of my life. But it wasn't like that, I didn't think there would be any pain like what I felt after loosing my parents.

I was wrong, when you love completely, trust completely and give yourself completely to the person that you give your heart to and that person does the same back to you. You really become one soul sharing two bodies. I am not looking for anyone to agree with me. The bible says " Two shall become one". I was part lost and part empty because a part of me had died with him. By writing I have been able to share both parts of me here. By sharing what I lost, I am learning what I have gained. He gave me so much more than I ever even imagined possible.

This time, it took longer I believe because, contentment had settled in my growth was stunted and I didn't know it . Marrying my husband in life meant growth for me and his death has also meant growth for me.

Now is my time for life, I am excited about what the days ahead will bring. I am not sure where I am going but I am packed for the trip! :)

Friday, June 12, 2009

Our Story

It's September 11, 2001 and I'm at the gym watching the news and I am freaked. So I run to my trainer freaked out and he grabs me and says "baby it's gonna be OK don't be scared." We both have family in NY, but his aunt worked in one of the twin towers that had been hit. Even with all the anxiety and uncertainty going on he was very calm. That is just who he was, not to mention that he was 6'2 and 285 solid muscle. His big idea was let's get something to eat, eating his answer to every problem. Food truly was comfort to him.

That's how we met at the gym. It was early August, I was at the water fountain drinking water and his smart remark was "don't drink all the water". When I looked up at who was speaking to me, I was speechless. He was beautiful yes, I said beautiful. Our eyes locked and at that moment I knew that trouble was ahead. I had just moved to Fla. from California and hadn't really met many friends. I needed to talk to someone, that little voice in my head said you better call your prayer partner you are in big trouble. I tried but i couldn't reach Thelma she wasn't answering my calls. Needless to say the flirting went on and we both new that we were about to enter into a place of no return.

We were both with other people and really didn't want to cross any lines, so we didn't. But the attraction between us would not be denied, even though we really tried. We were becoming each others confidants, listening to each others issues even our deepest desires. Things we should have been sharing with our significant others. There was an instant bond and even though on the outside (because of obvious reasons) it may have seemed wrong, to us it was perfect. He would say you are my twin, we are twins and in my heart even though at the time I would openly deny it and laugh at hm I knew he was right. We were connected and I was terrified.

After Sept,11 2001 things would happen that would separate us. Yes we were apart physically, but our souls had bonded and that bond would eventually lead us back to each other. The only difference is the next time we both would be completely available to share, to experience the completeness that we held back all those years before. When we saw each other again, God would throw us completely together in a way that neither of us saw coming but both were willing to embrace.

Life separated us to go and grow, but because we were meant to be brought us back together. Love won't be controlled and it won't be denied. Aaron was my best friend before we ever shared one intimate moment. Our Journey began before either of us even realized we were on one. The moment that we understood that our meeting at the water fountain that day was no coincidence , our life, our love exploded. We began to share our every emotion, it was like we were each others sacred ground. We knew our secrets were safe with each other, their was no pinky swear, or a promise to die we just knew . We were home, we had finally found a place that we could trust, a place that we could rest, our hearts had become one. No words could ever express the moment that lasted for over 2 years, until he took his last breath.

Aaron, baby You may be gone but you are not forgotten. I love you today as much as I did the first day that I laid eyes on you. I realize that I have to move on, and I will. But because of the Love that we shared, the love that you gave me, I will love more, feel deeper and smile more often. I am a better woman and will be able, (when the time is right) to love a man in the truest and purest way.

Thank you XOXOXOX

Monday, June 8, 2009

Honest Feelings

Some days, there won't be feelings with an explanation. Some days are just filled with feelings of missing the man that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Some days, like today I just miss him and I want, need to let myself have days like today. I am afraid that if I don't, the lie that I perpetrated for so long will ease it's way back. For sure that's neither healthy nor productive. He was my best friend and sometimes I just miss him so much. I am not always saddened by thoughts of him, we had so much fun together. Most days I'm smiling when thoughts of things we used to do flash in my mind. Then their are days like today when an overwhelming wave of sadness creeps in. No matter how I try to push back the tears they flow and my heart aches for him and for myself and all that I lost. The need to feel this, is stronger than the desire to push it back.

I'm always afraid that people will feel sorry for me or think that I am living a life of sadness. I am not, please don't think that. I am dealing with my life on my own terms. When my husband died, there were so many rules of what I could think, feel, how I should feel, how long I should feel it and a whole laundry list of other rules. And because of it I shut down and didn't feel anything. I walked around for months like a zombie just numb. People were OK with that because that meant that they didn't have to deal with it either. If I was OK then they didn't have to deal with their own guilt for whatever reason. In truth people really don't know how to help people grieve. Do we really know what to say to someone who is grieving? Do Grievers even know how to share what they are feeling? For me I didn't know what to say. Seemed like ever time I opened my mouth someone was saying something to get me to feel the opposite. It was like they wanted me to be OK at that very moment. I know that is not what they meant, but regardless that's how it seemed. The outcome was me shutting down and locking all those feelings away. The only thing is they weren't really locked away, they were just buried deep in the crevices of my heart and in time those feelings burst like a bubble forcing me to deal with the very things I wanted to forget.

The day that I gave him my heart and he gave his to me our lives changed forever. We were two people who had many life experiences. We had both loved before and been loved, but we both knew that what we shared and would share together would be like nothing either of us had ever experienced. We were two broken pieces that fit perfectly together. I can't even say it was a loved that I had dreamed about because I had know idea that a love like ours could even exist.

Today I am writing not because I want to but because I need to. This is the reason that I began this writing journey in the first place. To share my feelings good bad or indifferent, to get it out. I am a real person with real feelings. If there is someone else out their who has these feeling or feelings like these just know that it's OK. It is important to be honest with yourself, because at the end of the day we are responsible for our own lives. If you live a lie (like I did) the only person you can blame is yourself. Take responsibility for your own life and your own actions, ensuring yourself a better tomorrow. The first step in that direction is honesty, honesty to yourself. You/we are entitled to our feelings whatever they are. If you can't talk to someone write it down and read it back to yourself. At least then it becomes real to you and that is all that really matters.

Once I realized for myself that I was entitled to my feeling whatever they were, real healing began to take place. Today my real feelings are I miss him so incredibly much and sometimes that makes me very sad.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dealing with the reality

It's an early morning in June and it's been a while since I've written. I don't know but something about Mother's day really set me back. It's like I went forward and then backward if that makes any sense. I am writing so that I heal. Part of that process for me is dealing honestly with how I feel. Yes it was good to finally get all that out. I was relieved , I know longer had to pretend like nothing was happening to me. It was tragic and finally I was able to say out loud what I was hiding in my heart. Feelings (all kind) were unlocked some good, some not so good. I cried for what seems like two weeks. I finally became one with what happened and the feelings behind them. For a long time they were 2 separate things. I didn't realize how sad my heart really was. Opening up that gash in my heart hurt and it hurt a lot.

In my fight "to be back to normal" it's hard because, what I am beginning to realize is normal for me won't ever be the same again. My life is different now no matter how hard I try there's no going back for me. The reality is it's time for a new path and that is what gives me pause. People say well do what you did before, what they don't realize is my before doesn't exist any more. Yes, I go to work, have loving incredible family and friends. Going through the motions are easy for me, but that's not the kind of life I want. Living and experiencing life on every level that's who I am, that's what I want for myself. I am capable of the journey before me. I know that everything that I have been through has made me a better person, woman. Yes, it's scary and not saying that would be a lie. The key is I'm no longer afraid the alternative of inaction is much worst.

I'm not sure why God chose me for this particular journey, and had he asked me first, I would have said no pick someone else. The reality is I didn't have a choice about what happened but I do have a choice about what happens next. It may seem that I'm sad, and honestly their are times that I experience terrible sadness. But I am still here stronger than I was last week, not as strong as I will be next week . MY journey is a real one not colored with false statements or bedded in false realities. I am a woman who wants to heal, who is healing one day at a time. I have learned that their is no easy answer or a road map that will take me to some magical place where everything will be OK.

This time there's no way around the storm I must learn to flow with the wind and dance in the rain.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


This time last year was as perfect as any Mother's day could be. I was married to the love of my life and he loved me as much as I loved him. He was always surprising me with stuff for no reason. He got lots of joy out of surprising me. He would say "there you go with that kiddie grin again" and of course I would burst into laughter and then he would grab, kiss and tickle me. Soon after would come the gift bag or he would pull it out of his back pack (he always road his motorcycle and carried his backpack it was like his man purse). It didn't matter to me, where he pulled it from. I was just happy that he thought of me all the time. Even when I didn't think he was. :0)
I knew there would be gifts, never anything to elaborate but always special. This time he had bought me a digital camcorder, sneakers, and a very pretty dress. What made me cry though was the card. He remembered the baby that we shared and lost. I know people probably say why does that surprise you? Well it did because in my mind it was my loss. I never really shared with him the way I should have, how devastating it was for me. I never shared it with anyone, selfishly I thought it my failure,my loss. When I read that card, I knew I was wrong he had shared every moment with me.

I was away on a business trip about 2 hrs away when it happened, I was in so much pain. I remember thinking it will be OK. That's what I tell myself when something is happening out of my control. I had a history of female problems and so I wasn't sure what was going on. I had gone to the doctor about a week before and we were waiting the results. He would say " I don't need no doctor to tell me your pregnant with my son I know you having my baby :) ". Well I wanted to be sure so I could get the proper prenatal care. This pain wasn't like anything I had ever experienced. I knew I was in real trouble so I asked to be taken to the emergency room but before they could get me there the unthinkable happened. I had lost my first baby and let me tell you I was devastated. I made it home that same night and I cried, he did his best to comfort me but I was inconsolable. I didn't think he cared that much because he has children from a previous relationship. The next morning we got the call from the doctor's office confirming that I was 4wks pregnant. He grabbed me and held me so tight and said " Bay you know this isn't your fault right, look at me". I don't know there was something in his eyes that was reassuring, maybe it was just his affect on me. I later met with my Doc and he said there was nothing I did wrong. I came to terms with it. My husband and I never really spoke about it again. Inside though in my heart I blamed myself. I was a fierce workaholic. I wore very high heeled shoes, never flats being in the entertainment business is all about image and mine was definitely intact. i just pray that my child didn't pay the cost.

The next miscarriage came after my husband's death, and to be honest it was to much to deal with. I remember leaving the emergency room after having the DNC promising myself not to tell a soul what had just happened. I was going to get in my car and leave and this time I wouldn't come back. I drove around most of the day numb, not knowing what to do. I heard God say don't deal with this now it's too much. I heard that voice as clear as day. So not knowing what to do I went to the movies. My phone was ringing off the hook. My pastor, her husband and my friends were all calling. No one had seen or heard from me since Wednesday evening after church. Then the girls that I mentor started calling. When I didn't answer, they started texting " Ms. Nicole, we love you and are worried please call one of us". It was then at that moment I was snapped out of whatever state of mind I was in. I text the girls and my pastor told them where I was and that I was OK.

I told everyone that the doctor said I was not pregnant, it was a lot easier than the truth. I had lost my husband and now our unborn son. It was too much and I was in know shape to handle more condolences.

Since then I have shared with my sisters and a few close friends what happened and how I loss my family. Timing is everything, what I am able to share now would have devastated me to a point of no return back then. God knows us best, he knew there would be a time and place for me to deal with what was happening it just wasn't then.

Today I remember my husband and our unborn children. I love my husband and each of my children as if they had lived. God I thank you for not forgetting me in my time of need.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Opening Up :)

It's early Saturday morning and I wanted to spend some time writing. I don't really blog unless I feel a real urge. I want to express myself with truth and real feelings because, I no longer want to live a lie.

I am healing, the writing is therapeutic. I still have moments but these are more real. Accepting the facts about what is going on in my life has some how made things easier in my mind. I am lonely but not alone because I am now letting people get close to me. Not that I talk about what happened or my husband, it's just now I am open to see and hear about other things. There was a time when I was present physically but that was it. In every way that counted I was no where to be found. For me this is kind of weird to say out loud. All along through this particular journey I was positive for others, all ways had a positive and encouraging word. It was a false strength and I had convinced myself that I was OK and everything was OK. That is probably why when I crashed it was devastating to me. I was in so much denial (and didn't know it) that when the darkness came I wasn't ready. No way to self talk myself out of it. I didn't understand why I couldn't get through this on my own.

I realize now that when things happen to us in life no matter how tragic, there isn't always a pat answer. We have to dig deeper inside of ourselves, into a place that we probably didn't even know existed. To find that part of us that has always been there but never utilized. We will grow to be better than we thought, stronger and wiser. Not always because we want to, but to live beyond the pain, the current circumstance we must.

I can't say how or when the realization will come for the next person. I just know that for me, I was just scared about where I would end up if I didn't find away out of the darkness.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A note on how to Console

There is something I would like to share to those of you who are in a position to comfort a person who has lost someone. Like I have said before, there isn't a pat answer or a road map but there are a few things you may want to consider.

The loss a person feels is usually relative to the relationship shared between them and the deceased. Don't assume that you understand what that relationship was. This will probably stop you from saying something that will only make the person feel worst. Don't state the obvious, we know there in a better place. It does very little to comfort the person anyway. Allow that person the time and space they need, try not to determine what that is for them. Most of all just be there love them, love is an action word not a feeling. Do things, clean the house, wash clothes make phone calls or just hold them. When you see them crying, try to push back the urge to say something comforting, a hug usually does the trick. :0)

I am no doctor or psychologist, just a woman who went through a really hard time surrounded by people who loved me, but had no idea of how to help.

Stage 2: Sadness, disbelief and embarasment

After the funeral was over and everyone had gone I literally detached. I remember driving up to my house and being afraid to go in the house. So I didn't, I slept in our truck. I remember being so sad and overwhelmed with disbelief. This could not be happening to me. We were just getting our footing, we had just moved into our home and I was pregnant. Two days before his death we had found out that I was having our baby. This wasn't the first time, I had just lost a baby back in january( I lost our baby in november). He was teasing me about being moody and how I was going to have to take it easy this time. We really didn't say to much about it after that, because we were planning our trip to his home town, his mom was coming and we were still unpacking boxes. We had only been in the house about 14days.

There was no real warning, he had been sick but nothing that I /we thought was terminal. One minute he was in my arms telling me how happy he was and how much he love us. The next he was gone and to be honest so was I. The love that I thought never possible had just died right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand, I did it right this time. I wasn't selfish, i didn't hold anything back. I opened up and allowed love to come in. I didn't question it.

I didn't care I wanted my husband and friend back, people around me didn't understand. They hadn't experience what we shared. They (seemingly) were willing to let him go and move on I was not. I got in my car and drove south, it was storming there were hurricane warnings all over and I was driving right into them. I didn't care i wanted to find him. Consciously I knew he was gone but somewhere inside of me there was this belief that maybe. I was so sad and lonley, I wanted, no I needed him to be alive. I wasn't ready yet, I needed more time. If only we had more time.

The weather was so bad that I had to find a room. I was pretty numb, a tear had welled up in my eyes and I forced myself to push them back saying " don't cry it's not that bad just go to sleep" so i did. The next morning I woke up and continued going south, I heard that was where the hurricane would be and I wanted to be right in the middle of it. By the time I had reached the city where the storm was supposed to be according to all the weather stations it had changed it's course to northeast. It was like a dream of sorts, I was deciding things but it didn't really seam like me. I had lunch and turned my car around and went northeast. When I had finally awaken out of this particular daze (there were a few), chasing storms that kept running from me i was back in my city still afraid to go home.

I wasn't ready yet to see friends or family for that matter. I wanted to hide like nothing had happend. I didn't know what to say to people. I definetly didn't want them saying anything to me. Most of all I definetly didn't want to go to church because they all new. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me. My husband was gone and i didn't want to share that with anybody, I guess not even myself.

I didn't know what to do, my life had been turned upside down. Everything I knew and loved had just been snatched away and I mean snatched. I was hurting and there was no one I could express myself to. They all had the same pat answers "he's in a better place", " at least you had him for a while" etc. None of those things were even a bit comforting. I was in a deep dark place and had no Idea of how to get out. There is no pat answer, no road map.

What I am learning is this was my path to take, my journey. Good bad or indifferent it is mine. For me that means I am going to have to be very deliberate with the choices that I make, how and with whom. People can only give you what you allow them to. No one could help me because that's not what I wanted. Now I realize it wasn't what i needed either. The journey of self discovery that I am on now could have only come from this path. Today I am better than I have been in along time. I was forced through adversity to take a long look at my life and where i am headed.

Today my life is about what I choose not what chooses me!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

When writing about denial today, I must have made a break through because today was the first day that i was able to see my husband's face again. I could see him smiling that reassuring smile he would give, when letting me know everything would be ok. Yes , I cried but there was something different this time. It was more of a release, a letting go. I have been holding on so tight, so afraid to feel the true feeling of what losing him really meant to me. God it really hurts, but I know this is what I need. No more hiding! ( Jeez. I said I wasn't going to cry anymore. Didn't realize that it was going to be an intrical part of letting go):)

It was so nice to see his warm and beautiful smile. It was like I could feel him holding me. But at the same time he was letting me know that it was time to move on.

By letting go of the denial, guilt and shame, I believe I set free the part of me
that was so entangled with him and his death. We literally became one.

I'm sure there will be more moments but none quite like this. The feeling was so overwhelming, I had to write about it. I believe that as I look back at this time, it will be a significant moment in my healing process.

The five stages of my grief: Stage 1

I am a little afraid of this one because in away i'm still dealing with it. But I went through some very obvious signs of denial. When I look back it makes me want to go and thank the people who had to watch. I am sure it was and is painful for the people who love me to see me in so much pain. Not to long ago I reached out to family thinking that it would automaticaly cure me if I just said out loud to someone other than myself "He's Gone and never coming back". Instead of the outcome I wanted or thought would happen, I spun even more out of control. Even now writing those words causes so much hurt and pain. I feel it welling up in my heart. I want to fight back the tears, but I want to heal so I am letting them flow. No more denial he really is gone and it's time for me to start accepting that.

One day, we were planning a trip to see his family and a party for his birthday and the next day it was all over. My best friend and husband was gone. No warning, no time to deal with the what if. My friend was no longer here on this earth and everyone around {doing the best they could with what they new) just seem to be okay. Well I couldn't believe it and didn't. Things were happening around me, funeral plans, people in my house cooking cleaning. People were talking to me, I was making decisions or at least it seemed. Now that I look back, it was like watching a movie and soon it would be over and things would be back to normal. I remember my sister had come from Las Vegas to in her own way to be supportive. I appreciate her coming, but I had no way to communicate to her what I really needed. I took her to get a hair cut at a friends beauty salon, and my friend as everyone did gave her condolences and I thanked her. About 2 months later I saw her again at our pastors house. We were chatting about how I was doing of course I said great considering. It was then that she reminded me of our conversation that day at the beauty shop. She said " girl you were acting like he was on vacation or something and he was coming back." At that time it didn't mean much, but now that I think about it that's exactly how it was.

I remember the day of his funeral I didn't want to sit down, so I stood at the front door of the church and shook hands and thanked people for coming. I did this until my pastor made me sit down. I was very angry at him because I didn't want to sit on the front pew and cry in front of all those people. I was embarassed, my husband was gone and now I had to share it with everyone. I didn't want to nor did I know how. There's no manual for this.

Sadly this wasn't the worst moment for me. After everyone had gone I decided that I didn't want a life that didn't include him. I was leaving, everyone and anything that remotely reminded me of us. So I got in my car and began to drive. I wasn't suicidal in the sense that I wanted to die physically, but I was emotionally. At the time of course I didn't know that. I drove around for about 2 or 3 weeks, not knowing really what to do, just lost. I found myself asking this question daily "Bay where you at". It just had not sunk in.

I'm not sure what eventually brought me back. The next step was to just stay busy or distracted. I really had not yet cried for him. Yes there were moments, but I wasn't crying because i accepted he was gone I was just crying. The next few months were pretty busy helping others, but because I wasn't coping, I was just existing. There would be pockets of deep deep sadness and uncontrollable mood swings and depression. I latched on to my spiritual walk with God. But even that was only half real because I never truely let God heal me. He couldn't because I had not acknowledged that there was a problem.
Because I was in such denial, when the last pocket of sadness emerged it wss just to much for me to take. I crashed. I didn't know what to do or say. I was so alone and lonely even though there were people all around. I finally began to cry and cry amd cry. I realized that this denial cost me so much, my business, friendships and my identity. I refuse to let it destroy anythng else.
I am fighting my way back, I realize I have a unigue opportunity to be even better than I was.
Today I am free to choose my own path in my own time!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I am doing better since, my last post. I feel my motiviation coming back. I have to admit working my way back is not easy. Last night i had a dream and someone had asked me where have you been and are you here to stay. I found myself crying and said, "yes I am, but I just learned to say the word dead and then I began to cry". It was so real, the dream. When I awoke, I realized that continuing to write is the only way I am really going to heal. Yes the pain is still so real for me even when I am sleeping.

What I am realizing is i need to stop focusing on what I lossed and begin to appreciate what I still have. It in no way will minimize my love for Aaron, but will give me the opportunity to focus on something else. While at the same time remembering the incredible love that we shared.

I don't know why God allowed me to know such a great love for such a small amount of time, but he did. God must have thought me a well deserving woman because what we had was truely a gift from God.

I am going to list all of the amazing lessons I learned from allowing love in my life. Not just loving someone else because that part was easy for me. I was one of those selfish people who could give others the clothes off my back, but never really learned how to recieve. I could embrace but couldn't be embraced, my sisters use to make fun of me when it came to family hugs. They new when it came to me I was going to push them off or say " okay that's enough". What I didn't realize was that I was locked in a prison that allowed no one in. My saving grace is I always had a foundation in God, so even though I didn't know, God knew, he saw the void. Oddly enough I didn't realize there was a void until it was filled.


I learned that how can you really be a true lover of life if you never learn how to let someone embrace you
I learned that unless you open your heart to let someone else in you are only experiencing half of the promise of love
I learned that you really can see the reflection of your heart in the eyes of the one that loves
I learned that to truely give ones self to love is to truely be loved
I learned that love is not a far away city in Paris
I learned that love really is the smile of a child
I learned that experiencing the magnitude of love that encompasses all things includes pain and growing through it
I learned that love and life are not perfect but having someone to share it with is
I learned to accept myself for who i am and not what I could do for someone else
I learned that having someone who believes in you gives you wings to fly
I learned that for the right person I can cook every night with a smile
I learned that i don't have to be perfect just me, which is pretty terrific
I learned most of all that God saw my need even before I new i had one. Filled it with his promise of two shall become one and allowed us time to experience his (God's )loving embrace

Today I am grateful for my husband and the impact he has had on my life. Thank you Bay(Aaron) for loving me no matter what. :0)

Friday, April 24, 2009


Writing to my husband is part of a journey that I decided to take. Nothing else is working. I read that a letter to the one you lost could be a step in the right direction for healing. I want to be well again. The deep gashes of hurt are really unexplainable. Most importantly i guess, is the one person that might/ would understand what it is that i'm going through and need is gone. I pray that when i am done blogging, if that's what you want to call this, I have found some sort of closure and at the same time a new beginning. it's only been a few months since my best friend /husband left this world for a better one. I have read that the time line for healing is different for everyone. I am ready for my healing to begin the alternative is to ugly and to lonely. I want to live again and some how take my memories of the best love I have ever known with me.

Can I? Will I? Live again after the loss, is there life after this kind of pain?

Good bye and Hello

I need to tell you how much you are missed. My life has not been the same since you left me. I often wonder why you that night and not me. I want so very badly for us to get a do over. What we had/have is so very special, it makes me afraid to want any thing else for fear of failure or maybe that's not a good word to describe exactly what it is that I feel.
What I need to tell you is that I never ever let any one love me before. I always kept a wall up, for fear of being hurt. Then you, the last person I ever expected came and despite all of my resistance you kicked down every wall I had put up. The harder i fought to keep you out the more you loved me. I couldn't believe it someone actually loved me and cared about what happened to me. Not because I had something to give you, nope you just loved me because you wanted to. I began to trust that love and we began to grow in ways neither of us had expected.
We became best friends, no judging just loving. Our world began to grow, we shared, supported each other. You used to say we were twins, two halfs that made a whole. I miss our sunday rides on the bike, i miss how you enjoyed food. (LOL) I miss your big arms around me and that beautiful smile of yours. I love you so much and miss you so much. I wish you were still here but your not and i have been struggling with the fact that i am.
I have moved from our home, it's to hard to be there knowing your not. I don't keep in touch with any of our old friends. Your childhood friends were not who you said they were. In fact all but one were very hurtful, your death took everybody by such a surprise no one were themselves not even me i'm sure. I'm not angry, maybe i'll always be a little hurt and disappointed. I have heard that time heals all wounds. You never cared about what other people thought or said, I shoud have taken a page out of your book.

I need to find away to say goodbye to you but not the love that we shared. I don't want to ever forget that together we learned how to love and forgive and to live. I never want to let go of all the dreams we had together the baby that we shared and lost. How we prayed each other through what seemed the worst part of our lives. How God put us together at a time when we both were so broken and needed desparetly to believe that life could be better than what we had seen. I thank you for being the man that I needed. Thanks for the cards,letters and flowers. Thanks for eating my food and making me feel like Chef Emeril :0) even though we both new different. Thank you for never giving up on our love and never letting a day go by without expressing how much you loved us and the life we were starting together.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

Well since i began this journey to heal. I have come acroos a lot of interesting facts that are helping me to at least accept i am going through something. It may seem weird but when you are a control freak like me and are used to fixing everything and everybody else. It's not easy to admit that your life has spiraled out of control and you had know idea it was happening. It's like waking up from a bad dream and finding your bed floating in the middle of the ocean and you see nothing for miles on either side. A decision must be made, and you ask yourself how did I get here and is there a way back.

I found this website, i am glad because some of the articles have really been helpful to me. I have been able to identify myself and my symptons. I must admit it's scary because I have to accept that " yes I am grieving my husband really did die". This process is very hard but I am determined to find my way back one swimming stroke at a time.

If you or someone you know has experienced a loss this site is a great resource for help or to help.

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement
I am new to blogging but I realize that I have a voice that must be heard. How many of us sit silently by after losing someone or something that we deemed uniquely special. Whether it be a pet, parent, loved one or best friend.
Society says well there in a better place get on with living. Well what is that? living? who decides what that living should be like? We all know that it should be you, us , me who decides.
I have a question, what happens when the best of who you are or were is entangled in that loss. And you struggle on the inside to get back what every one thinks they see on the outside.
Even still what if that person no longer exist and you are forced to find a new path a new, a new journey beyond the loss.
Who decided that there was one way to grieve and that is to get over and on. Is there a way to do both? Can you find a way to live with the loss without totally losing who you loss?

I love my husband and miss him everyday he was my very best friend, I have lost him in life I don't want to lose him in death too. Thus my journey, our journey for those who are like me living BEYOND THE LOSS