Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Now Time

Time has flown by since I first decided to write. I was desperate to be freed from a prison that I had locked myself into unknowingly. I began writing because there seemed to be know other way out. I had cried, I got drunk, I prayed, talked to family and friends and still their was no relief. The burden that I carried in my heart over my husbands loss was so big that it brought me here. A place of freedom, it brought me to myself.

It's funny to me because I valued my outlook on life. I was sure of myself, held my own convictions proudly. In my mind emotionally I had been through just about all life could throw at a person.

I lost my mom to breast cancer. I watched her fight and her will to live for her children and the incredible strength that she showed. But in the end, it wasn't enough. I lost my brother and his wife to aids (they were both IV users). Then together with my sisters and their maternal grandmother we raised their two daughters. Giving them all the love that we knew the best we could.

Then, my father took ill I and relocated to Fla to be closer to him. I loved him very much and for two years while he was in a nursing home (which was 5min from my business) just about every night I would go and see him. I would make one the nursing assistants help me bathe him. Then I would read the book of Isaiah from the Bible for him. That was his favorite thing to do when he was well. One evening when I was with him he was very tired, he never spoke much but this night he looked at me and said i am very tired. My auto-response was, "well daddy just close your eyes and rest". He looked at me again and said baby daddy's tired. A few weeks later he went to the hospital and from there to hospice. I knew it was time, but for some reason he held on and me with him. The nurses and doctors didn't understand, they all said he should have been gone by now. My sisters and I all moved into the hospice, the same day daddy did. He never spent one night alone. I'm not sure what made me do it, but one night I got up and looked into his eyes, held his head in my arms and said daddy it's OK you can go. We are gonna be alright and he looked back at me as if he could see my whole life from conception to that very moment and took his last breath.

Yes, all of these events took me aback, but never for long. I was able come to terms with each of my loved ones death and I helped other family members to do the same. Always emerging wiser because of it. My mother's amazing strength and love, my dad's compassionate heart and his humility allowing me his baby girl to tend to him. My brother's love for his girls and the promise I made to help raise them. These are the things that contributed to my incredible strength.

So when my husband died, I thought that it would be the same thing. I would grieve a little, I would learn and then get on with the rest of my life. But it wasn't like that, I didn't think there would be any pain like what I felt after loosing my parents.

I was wrong, when you love completely, trust completely and give yourself completely to the person that you give your heart to and that person does the same back to you. You really become one soul sharing two bodies. I am not looking for anyone to agree with me. The bible says " Two shall become one". I was part lost and part empty because a part of me had died with him. By writing I have been able to share both parts of me here. By sharing what I lost, I am learning what I have gained. He gave me so much more than I ever even imagined possible.

This time, it took longer I believe because, contentment had settled in my growth was stunted and I didn't know it . Marrying my husband in life meant growth for me and his death has also meant growth for me.

Now is my time for life, I am excited about what the days ahead will bring. I am not sure where I am going but I am packed for the trip! :)

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