Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Moment of Perfect Clarity

It's amazing, as I look back over my post something keeps jumping out at me. So much in that I have to pay it closer attention. There is something happening and at the same time nothing is happening at all. The purpose is suppose to be two-fold but only one thing is really being conveyed. It's like a maze and I am the lab rat trapped inside. Yes there are moments of growth, moments where healing appears to be taking place. Yet something different happened when I was reading my words last night. I realized that as a part of me healed, the other part of me wasn't really growing. In order for real change to take place both must be present and evolving on a regular basis.

I came to Las Vegas and began working for my sister. I was working full-time at the office and now I work Part_time from home. My ability to be effective is phenomenal so unless someone really looked close you wouldn't notice a difference. But there is a difference and it's big. I am at home most of the time unless the job calls for me to go on site. Which is becoming less and less necessary because there are people that I send if I don't want to go. My face always has a smile, I am a grateful person by nature. The desire for others to be happy is real for me, I luv from the deepest places in my heart. The problem is most of that love is going out an not enough of it is coming back. It's not important that it comes from other's, the key is it has to come from me. The paralyzing affect that my husband's death has had on me has to loose it's hold and that starts today.

Today is the beginning of change for me, I love my Aaron and always will. The beginning of my journey has to be a journey back to myself. To the woman the individual that is capable of amazing things. The desire to be better than I ever was is so strong. This feeling won't be denied and if I continue to write about my pain it will only stunt the growth that I so desire. Don't misunderstand me, I will share stories of our love as they come up. The only difference, they will be more about myself and my growth and less about the pain of loosing a love.

The contribution that my husband made to my life is incredible, my ability to love unconditionally is a direct result of what we shared and still share. The stepping stone to the next layer of my life.

Today I choose forgiveness, happiness, and new beginnings!

1 comment:

SGT McClain said...

Keep you head up, the fact that you have made it to this point means that you are making progress. There is only one way to eat an elephant and thats one bite at a time.

I don't disagree with you, to dwell on the past will allow it to keep a hold over you that could be very detrimental, but you have this blog, this place where you can put your feeling out there and not let them have a hold over you. I would just hope that you don't hold in pain just because you are keeping it out of your writing.

You call this blog "Beyond the Loss" and think it is fitting for the journey you are embarking on. If you need any assistance along the way you know where you can find me!