Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dealing with the reality

It's an early morning in June and it's been a while since I've written. I don't know but something about Mother's day really set me back. It's like I went forward and then backward if that makes any sense. I am writing so that I heal. Part of that process for me is dealing honestly with how I feel. Yes it was good to finally get all that out. I was relieved , I know longer had to pretend like nothing was happening to me. It was tragic and finally I was able to say out loud what I was hiding in my heart. Feelings (all kind) were unlocked some good, some not so good. I cried for what seems like two weeks. I finally became one with what happened and the feelings behind them. For a long time they were 2 separate things. I didn't realize how sad my heart really was. Opening up that gash in my heart hurt and it hurt a lot.

In my fight "to be back to normal" it's hard because, what I am beginning to realize is normal for me won't ever be the same again. My life is different now no matter how hard I try there's no going back for me. The reality is it's time for a new path and that is what gives me pause. People say well do what you did before, what they don't realize is my before doesn't exist any more. Yes, I go to work, have loving incredible family and friends. Going through the motions are easy for me, but that's not the kind of life I want. Living and experiencing life on every level that's who I am, that's what I want for myself. I am capable of the journey before me. I know that everything that I have been through has made me a better person, woman. Yes, it's scary and not saying that would be a lie. The key is I'm no longer afraid the alternative of inaction is much worst.

I'm not sure why God chose me for this particular journey, and had he asked me first, I would have said no pick someone else. The reality is I didn't have a choice about what happened but I do have a choice about what happens next. It may seem that I'm sad, and honestly their are times that I experience terrible sadness. But I am still here stronger than I was last week, not as strong as I will be next week . MY journey is a real one not colored with false statements or bedded in false realities. I am a woman who wants to heal, who is healing one day at a time. I have learned that their is no easy answer or a road map that will take me to some magical place where everything will be OK.

This time there's no way around the storm I must learn to flow with the wind and dance in the rain.

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