Thursday, April 30, 2009

The five stages of my grief: Stage 1

I am a little afraid of this one because in away i'm still dealing with it. But I went through some very obvious signs of denial. When I look back it makes me want to go and thank the people who had to watch. I am sure it was and is painful for the people who love me to see me in so much pain. Not to long ago I reached out to family thinking that it would automaticaly cure me if I just said out loud to someone other than myself "He's Gone and never coming back". Instead of the outcome I wanted or thought would happen, I spun even more out of control. Even now writing those words causes so much hurt and pain. I feel it welling up in my heart. I want to fight back the tears, but I want to heal so I am letting them flow. No more denial he really is gone and it's time for me to start accepting that.

One day, we were planning a trip to see his family and a party for his birthday and the next day it was all over. My best friend and husband was gone. No warning, no time to deal with the what if. My friend was no longer here on this earth and everyone around {doing the best they could with what they new) just seem to be okay. Well I couldn't believe it and didn't. Things were happening around me, funeral plans, people in my house cooking cleaning. People were talking to me, I was making decisions or at least it seemed. Now that I look back, it was like watching a movie and soon it would be over and things would be back to normal. I remember my sister had come from Las Vegas to in her own way to be supportive. I appreciate her coming, but I had no way to communicate to her what I really needed. I took her to get a hair cut at a friends beauty salon, and my friend as everyone did gave her condolences and I thanked her. About 2 months later I saw her again at our pastors house. We were chatting about how I was doing of course I said great considering. It was then that she reminded me of our conversation that day at the beauty shop. She said " girl you were acting like he was on vacation or something and he was coming back." At that time it didn't mean much, but now that I think about it that's exactly how it was.

I remember the day of his funeral I didn't want to sit down, so I stood at the front door of the church and shook hands and thanked people for coming. I did this until my pastor made me sit down. I was very angry at him because I didn't want to sit on the front pew and cry in front of all those people. I was embarassed, my husband was gone and now I had to share it with everyone. I didn't want to nor did I know how. There's no manual for this.

Sadly this wasn't the worst moment for me. After everyone had gone I decided that I didn't want a life that didn't include him. I was leaving, everyone and anything that remotely reminded me of us. So I got in my car and began to drive. I wasn't suicidal in the sense that I wanted to die physically, but I was emotionally. At the time of course I didn't know that. I drove around for about 2 or 3 weeks, not knowing really what to do, just lost. I found myself asking this question daily "Bay where you at". It just had not sunk in.

I'm not sure what eventually brought me back. The next step was to just stay busy or distracted. I really had not yet cried for him. Yes there were moments, but I wasn't crying because i accepted he was gone I was just crying. The next few months were pretty busy helping others, but because I wasn't coping, I was just existing. There would be pockets of deep deep sadness and uncontrollable mood swings and depression. I latched on to my spiritual walk with God. But even that was only half real because I never truely let God heal me. He couldn't because I had not acknowledged that there was a problem.
Because I was in such denial, when the last pocket of sadness emerged it wss just to much for me to take. I crashed. I didn't know what to do or say. I was so alone and lonely even though there were people all around. I finally began to cry and cry amd cry. I realized that this denial cost me so much, my business, friendships and my identity. I refuse to let it destroy anythng else.
I am fighting my way back, I realize I have a unigue opportunity to be even better than I was.
Today I am free to choose my own path in my own time!

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