Saturday, May 9, 2009

Opening Up :)

It's early Saturday morning and I wanted to spend some time writing. I don't really blog unless I feel a real urge. I want to express myself with truth and real feelings because, I no longer want to live a lie.

I am healing, the writing is therapeutic. I still have moments but these are more real. Accepting the facts about what is going on in my life has some how made things easier in my mind. I am lonely but not alone because I am now letting people get close to me. Not that I talk about what happened or my husband, it's just now I am open to see and hear about other things. There was a time when I was present physically but that was it. In every way that counted I was no where to be found. For me this is kind of weird to say out loud. All along through this particular journey I was positive for others, all ways had a positive and encouraging word. It was a false strength and I had convinced myself that I was OK and everything was OK. That is probably why when I crashed it was devastating to me. I was in so much denial (and didn't know it) that when the darkness came I wasn't ready. No way to self talk myself out of it. I didn't understand why I couldn't get through this on my own.

I realize now that when things happen to us in life no matter how tragic, there isn't always a pat answer. We have to dig deeper inside of ourselves, into a place that we probably didn't even know existed. To find that part of us that has always been there but never utilized. We will grow to be better than we thought, stronger and wiser. Not always because we want to, but to live beyond the pain, the current circumstance we must.

I can't say how or when the realization will come for the next person. I just know that for me, I was just scared about where I would end up if I didn't find away out of the darkness.

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