Thursday, July 2, 2009

Facing The Fear

"There is nothing to fear except fear itself". <----Note to Self

It's funny to me that I begin this post with that quote. I have spoken about what my husbands loss has meant to me and facing that has been pretty scary. Through all the tears and sadness I've been able to wade through the confusion of him being gone and the why. Truthfully their never is an answer for the why, so you just stop asking. No amount of tears, questions or sadness will ever answer that, well at least for me. On some level, I will always be puzzled why I had the opportunity to experience such a great love and then have it taken away almost as soon as it was given.

I realize now that on some level subconsciously it was easier to stay with the pain of what happened than to deal with what comes next. I had a life at least what we are taught to believe a life is. A man that adored me and all my faults, and believe me I had many. A successful business going on 8 yrs, friends and family. Tons of my clients who had become like family. Several Young people who I mentored on some level. There are two very famous young ladies (you would know if I mentioned their names) and I am responsible for their careers. Several more went on to start their own businesses and many more are continuing to following their dreams of becoming successful in the entertainment industry. I posses the unique ability to encourage and empower young people.

Now I must ask myself, what about me was so attached to him that when he died so much of me went with him. What would make such a strong woman lose so much of herself. Was I lost in the fantasy that so many young girls are taught to believe by society. Find a man that loves you and somehow that will validate you. When I married the love of my life did I somehow trade it for the love I already had in my life. Did I swap, unknowingly myself for a dream that lived somewhere deep in my subconscious mind. A dream that laid dormant and somehow was triggered by a secret desire in me that I didn't know existed.

Facing myself and why I fell apart, the way I did and to the extent I did is a question that I must ask myself. If living beyond the loss is truly what I seek, then this question is one that must be asked. I am not necessarily looking for an answer per say, but I must look inside myself to see what was and still might be broken. Yes, this is scary because I am turning the mirror on myself and am not sure what I will see.

Now the real journey begins.

1 comment:

Carlin said...

I've heard it said by some smart people, that one problem we have, from early age, is that we're trained to live through our senses, to look for answers out side of ourself, when in truth we have many or most answers inside of us. So, it is scary to look in the mirror for answers, because its not familiar territory.
Heavy, huh? :)