Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Stage 2: Sadness, disbelief and embarasment

After the funeral was over and everyone had gone I literally detached. I remember driving up to my house and being afraid to go in the house. So I didn't, I slept in our truck. I remember being so sad and overwhelmed with disbelief. This could not be happening to me. We were just getting our footing, we had just moved into our home and I was pregnant. Two days before his death we had found out that I was having our baby. This wasn't the first time, I had just lost a baby back in january( I lost our baby in november). He was teasing me about being moody and how I was going to have to take it easy this time. We really didn't say to much about it after that, because we were planning our trip to his home town, his mom was coming and we were still unpacking boxes. We had only been in the house about 14days.

There was no real warning, he had been sick but nothing that I /we thought was terminal. One minute he was in my arms telling me how happy he was and how much he love us. The next he was gone and to be honest so was I. The love that I thought never possible had just died right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand, I did it right this time. I wasn't selfish, i didn't hold anything back. I opened up and allowed love to come in. I didn't question it.

I didn't care I wanted my husband and friend back, people around me didn't understand. They hadn't experience what we shared. They (seemingly) were willing to let him go and move on I was not. I got in my car and drove south, it was storming there were hurricane warnings all over and I was driving right into them. I didn't care i wanted to find him. Consciously I knew he was gone but somewhere inside of me there was this belief that maybe. I was so sad and lonley, I wanted, no I needed him to be alive. I wasn't ready yet, I needed more time. If only we had more time.

The weather was so bad that I had to find a room. I was pretty numb, a tear had welled up in my eyes and I forced myself to push them back saying " don't cry it's not that bad just go to sleep" so i did. The next morning I woke up and continued going south, I heard that was where the hurricane would be and I wanted to be right in the middle of it. By the time I had reached the city where the storm was supposed to be according to all the weather stations it had changed it's course to northeast. It was like a dream of sorts, I was deciding things but it didn't really seam like me. I had lunch and turned my car around and went northeast. When I had finally awaken out of this particular daze (there were a few), chasing storms that kept running from me i was back in my city still afraid to go home.

I wasn't ready yet to see friends or family for that matter. I wanted to hide like nothing had happend. I didn't know what to say to people. I definetly didn't want them saying anything to me. Most of all I definetly didn't want to go to church because they all new. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me. My husband was gone and i didn't want to share that with anybody, I guess not even myself.

I didn't know what to do, my life had been turned upside down. Everything I knew and loved had just been snatched away and I mean snatched. I was hurting and there was no one I could express myself to. They all had the same pat answers "he's in a better place", " at least you had him for a while" etc. None of those things were even a bit comforting. I was in a deep dark place and had no Idea of how to get out. There is no pat answer, no road map.

What I am learning is this was my path to take, my journey. Good bad or indifferent it is mine. For me that means I am going to have to be very deliberate with the choices that I make, how and with whom. People can only give you what you allow them to. No one could help me because that's not what I wanted. Now I realize it wasn't what i needed either. The journey of self discovery that I am on now could have only come from this path. Today I am better than I have been in along time. I was forced through adversity to take a long look at my life and where i am headed.

Today my life is about what I choose not what chooses me!

1 comment:

AmyK said...

I can't imagine your grief. Your words are beautiful, real and honest and bring a real sense of your loss to me.
I have never experienced this kind of loss. I have loved and lost, but not like this, not like what you are describing.
My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your pain, for others will find strength and comfort in what you share.