Some days, there won't be feelings with an explanation. Some days are just filled with feelings of missing the man that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Some days, like today I just miss him and I want, need to let myself have days like today. I am afraid that if I don't, the lie that I perpetrated for so long will ease it's way back. For sure that's neither healthy nor productive. He was my best friend and sometimes I just miss him so much. I am not always saddened by thoughts of him, we had so much fun together. Most days I'm smiling when thoughts of things we used to do flash in my mind. Then their are days like today when an overwhelming wave of sadness creeps in. No matter how I try to push back the tears they flow and my heart aches for him and for myself and all that I lost. The need to feel this, is stronger than the desire to push it back.
I'm always afraid that people will feel sorry for me or think that I am living a life of sadness. I am not, please don't think that. I am dealing with my life on my own terms. When my husband died, there were so many rules of what I could think, feel, how I should feel, how long I should feel it and a whole laundry list of other rules. And because of it I shut down and didn't feel anything. I walked around for months like a zombie just numb. People were OK with that because that meant that they didn't have to deal with it either. If I was OK then they didn't have to deal with their own guilt for whatever reason. In truth people really don't know how to help people grieve. Do we really know what to say to someone who is grieving? Do Grievers even know how to share what they are feeling? For me I didn't know what to say. Seemed like ever time I opened my mouth someone was saying something to get me to feel the opposite. It was like they wanted me to be OK at that very moment. I know that is not what they meant, but regardless that's how it seemed. The outcome was me shutting down and locking all those feelings away. The only thing is they weren't really locked away, they were just buried deep in the crevices of my heart and in time those feelings burst like a bubble forcing me to deal with the very things I wanted to forget.
The day that I gave him my heart and he gave his to me our lives changed forever. We were two people who had many life experiences. We had both loved before and been loved, but we both knew that what we shared and would share together would be like nothing either of us had ever experienced. We were two broken pieces that fit perfectly together. I can't even say it was a loved that I had dreamed about because I had know idea that a love like ours could even exist.
Today I am writing not because I want to but because I need to. This is the reason that I began this writing journey in the first place. To share my feelings good bad or indifferent, to get it out. I am a real person with real feelings. If there is someone else out their who has these feeling or feelings like these just know that it's OK. It is important to be honest with yourself, because at the end of the day we are responsible for our own lives. If you live a lie (like I did) the only person you can blame is yourself. Take responsibility for your own life and your own actions, ensuring yourself a better tomorrow. The first step in that direction is honesty, honesty to yourself. You/we are entitled to our feelings whatever they are. If you can't talk to someone write it down and read it back to yourself. At least then it becomes real to you and that is all that really matters.
Once I realized for myself that I was entitled to my feeling whatever they were, real healing began to take place. Today my real feelings are I miss him so incredibly much and sometimes that makes me very sad.